I feel stupid.... in a Mad Season

Some times art speaks to me more than others. It may not all apply but parts will resonate as if at this moment in time... the art was made for me. This time it's Mad Season by Matchbox 20.

I know what I did. There are a fair number of factors going in.

In part there's the uncertainty of my job and the economic issues facing my program. I can't go into details but needless to say it'll be a rough 5 or 6 months. As a result of this uncertainty I appear to be losing some of my best employees. I suppose I can't say I blame them. Why continue to sail on a ship when it appears headed straight into an sea of icebergs? It is going to be a rough next year or so... unless something miraculous happens. We hope to be stimulated.

And in other parts of my life... the song applies. I can say that not all the lyrics apply but the spirit of the song is still there. Surely there are things I could have done differently. I made a decision where both sides of it could have ended in regret... but only one side meant moving forward. I had spent more than enough time waiting and contemplating. It was time to act. It may have been foolish. It maybe that I rushed it. But I've missed opportunities before because I've been indecisive.

Life involves risk. We can't always be safe. Life often presents us with choices that involve staying safe with what we know or stepping out into the unknown. This time I chose the latter. It may be madness and I may feel stupid. I will likely feel foolish and sad for a time... and yet in many ways the risk was still worth it to know what I know now... and step into the future eyes wide open.

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Mad Season - Matchbox 20
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWRFO23tEN4

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - and I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down?

Well I feel stupid, but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - I think it's funny how no one knows
We don't talk about the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why you gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now?
It seems to me you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

I feel stupid, but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down?

So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out?
We need to be together now
I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken
I come undone in this mad season

And now I'm cryin'
Isn't that what you want?
And I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't, no,
At times I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I come undone
And I come undone

I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - that I'm lost and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken

Well I need you now
Do you think you can cope?
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
I'm bleeding and broken though I've never spoken
I come undone
I come undone in this mad season

In this mad season
It's been a mad season
Been a mad season

Miscellany

A few things happened this week that were noteworthy. Here are some in a somewhat chronological order. Warning: The following may make you cringe if you're particular about proper use of the English language.

Returned to work after a week away in Saipan (with Brown Treesnakes). Attempted to catch up with all the phone messages and all the e-mails... achieving an acceptable level of success, but not a complete success. Interviewed for a job. Started response letter to a strange person. Responding to strange people is just part of the job. Lost my friend and co-worker to the private sector. Good for him, sad for me. Finished the March of Dimes Campaign. Good for babies and for me. Enjoyed Earth Day downtown and at UH. Enjoyed John Cruz and the band Pressure Drop which performed refreshingly original and upbeat reggae music. Went to Molokai for a meeting. Returned from Molokai. Brought home Kanemitsu sweetbread. Sorry no "hot bread" this time. ( http://maona.net/archives/2005/08/molokai_hot_bre.php ). Work work work. Organized for dinner and relaxing. Cooked/ate dinner... chatted about travels... played Mancala w/ Brenda. Discussed issues that I probably have no business meddling in as I am no relationship expert... turned into a pumpkin and called it a night. Spent the day with the Folks. Went to Bishop Museum for Hawaiian Plant festival. Spun a wheel, got a nightlight. Saw some friends from work at the event. Failed to get new native plants. Ate Ramen Chicken Katsu. Went to Food & New Products show at Blaisdel. Stayed up too late contemplating life and writing blog ;).

Island Hopping

2 weeks 4 islands. In the next 2 weeks I'll be traveling from Oahu to Molokai, Big Island, and Maui.Invasive Species-v Carbon Footprint-^ hm

Greetings from the Future

Yup it's 10:30pm on Tuesday here while back home it is 2:30 in the morning Tuesday. Flying to Saipan for about 10 hours I lost a day in time... but hour-wise it is close to gaining 4 hours from Hawaii. Anyway... for those keeping up, I'm alive and well and ready to catch some Zzz so I can talk about Brown Treesnakes tomorrow.

Aloha. Pat

Easter travels... or not

Well there were reservations and plans at one point to get me to Saipan today but as life would have it, things change. Apparently the plane that was intended to fly me to Guam had mechanical issues and therefore pushed my flight further and further back. It got to a point where the updated times were way beyond any connecting flight to Saipan... and so it goes (name that literary reference).

If you've been following the micro-posts you'll see that I've just decided to stay in Hawaii another day. I'll miss the Saipan snake search Tuesday but that's life. There will likely be other opportunities.

More as it happens... P